“Searching for Truth”   Truth will eventually emerge. Lies will be uncovered. There are always consequences.

24” x 18”x1.5”/ acrylic on Canvas/ $350/

Me too? You Too? Not My Kids

The number of women seeking counseling for sex abuse increased 400 percent last week. I was reminded of the clients I assisted when I worked as a mental health professional. They also made me think of the women I helped later in my career as business woman.  A great many suffered from abuse.  It was hard to their stories and difficult to advise them how stop unwanted advances before becoming a monumental problem. The world of work carries its own challenges.

For instance, a thirty-seven-year old woman r opened a consulting firm that was making headway in a national market. She had a few contracts with major conglomerates and was on call 24 hours a day to help them handle difficult personnel issues. She gave speeches at conventions, wrote a book and made the right moves to be recognized as an expert. Standing in her way, however, was  a competitor, a well established older man who threatened to blackball her if she did not sleep with him. The woman was happily married with two children and had no desire to attend to the mans sexual needs, yet she needed his support to further her business goals. She wasn’t sure how to maintain a working relationship without giving in to his demands. What would you do?

I advised her to confront him head on— to tell him how much she enjoyed his attention but that she was happily married and not interested in an affair. I suggested she then flatter him for his knowledge of the field and ask if he would be willing to provide advice from time to time. They went on to have an collegial relationship built on mutual business interests.

Another woman was a department head in a small business funded primarily by men who formed the company’s board of directors. The woman was tall and blond, and attracted the attention of the director of a fortune 500 company who invested $200,000 in the start up.  At the end of a late meeting, the man offered to walk the woman to her car. As she opened the door, he grabber her, planted a wet French kiss on her lips and asked to meet for dinner the following week. The woman, was disgusted and did not want to go near the man again. Unfortunately her position required them to interact occasionally. She decided the best thing to do was be direct. She explained she was married, not interested in an affair but flattered by his attention. The president of the start up, made aware of what happened, assure her that she  would never seated near him again.

I had several experiences as well. personal  At a meeting with a newly elected board chairman, I was asked to define our future relationship. He wanted to know if  the right to join me in bed went along with the job as chair. At the time, I thought he was joking. He wasn’t. He was serious, but at least he asked. I told him no, that especially since he was in a leadership position we could not have an affair. My goal was to keep him actively involved with the organization without damaging his ego or my privacy. I am still amazed that he thought his position entitled him to my body.

All of the women mentioned were shocked at being considered a sex toy. In similar situations, many women freeze and get in trouble because they are unable to respond quickly fearing they will lose their livelihood if they don’t comply. As children they were never told that someone might try to abuse them and as young adults the subject remained taboo. When I was younger, girls and boys were not taught about their legal rights, how to respond to abuse or how to fight back. Thank goodness the these issues have come to the forefront and hope they will not be ignored by future generations.

Many children are sexually abused in childhood. Girls have a 1 in 4 chance and boys a 1 in 6 chance of being molested before the age of 18. Those with disabilities are 2.9 times more likely to be abused than children without a disability. Most children do not report their abuser. My parents never talked to me and I was shocked and ill prepared to faced “Me Too” events. And, though I taught my children about sex, respect and what makes a good relationship, it never crossed my mind to discuss abuse. The “Me Too” movement changed my thinking and I now suggest that abuse become a topic for family discussion.

Parents who routinely teach their children traffic safety rules need to add sex abuse discussions to the docket. They need to start when their children are young      (4 year olds are often molested) and teach them the names of private parts (no cute names) when they are taught to say ears, nose and toes. They need to be able to communicate clearly to you, teachers, and a doctor when necessary. If they learn a pet name (like my kit-cat) the adult may not know what they’re talking about.

It is important for children to feel loved and their parents want to keep them safe. They should know that their private parts are theirs to control. They need to learn that no one should touch them even if they’re promised that it will make them feel good. Bathroom or stall doors should be closed, public restrooms locked, and nudity restricted to bedroom or bathroom.  As soon as possible children should be taught to clean their private parts by themselves.

Parents should not force children to kiss or hug anyone they don’t want to and children need to understand that secrets are not kept from parents. He or she must be told they will be believed know matter what is said, and that the truth will never get them in trouble.  The them that some people threaten children by saying something bad will happen to them or their parents if they say tattle. Those who are abused feel vulnerable, powerless and conflicted. Talking calmly, answering questions and demonstrating that the subject is not taboo is a pathway for open communication.

As children enter high school, alcohol, bullying, and date abuse can be added to the conversation. Many schools have sex ed classes though not all discuss abuse. Even if they do, these conversations  belong in the home as well. Topics should touch on verbal consent before sex and the importance of developing a caring relationship. Sex should not be seen as a route for popularity as it is for many teens.

Workplaces are also fraught with abuse and harassment. Many, but not all, companies have policies in place to deal with inappropriate behavior.  Equal opportunity laws such as the Civil Rights Act, Americans with Disabilities Act and the Age Discrimination Act prohibit harassment, abuse and discrimination in the workplace are the basis for most policies. Even so, abuse occurs. Young adults will avoid pitfalls if their parents willingly discuss workplace abuse. The more a youth knows about the ways predators act, the less likely he or she will freeze and respond inappropriately.

It is impossible to be prepared for every scenario, nor do we want to raise fearful children. Most people are good, but some are not, and being naive does not help when faced with evil.  I recommend that high school girls and boys take classes in self defense, karate or Judo. Students can learn to assess threats and sharpen reaction times.

I am glad that the subject of abuse is out in the open. The time to learn respect for one another is now.

Kim,S. (2014) 10 ways to Talk to Your Kids  About Sexual Abuse. Every Day Feminism Magazine. retrieved from https://everydayfeminism.com/

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The Gossips

What are they saying? Are they cursing, bullying, sharing sordid stories or tales of beauty?

Acrylic on Canvas/ 12” x 36” x 1.5 “ $285

Potty Mouths

When did it become OK to curse in public? As a child living in a lower middle-class neighborhood, I was exposed to cursing on the streets. At home, however, mother treated profanities ruthlessly by washing my mouth with soap if I uttered one of the evil words. She taught me effectively for I never curse, nor do my friends, family, business associates or social acquaintances. So—who utters obscenities besides stand-up comedians?

I was surprised when when my writers group suggested I have characters in a novel I’m writing, swear to show strong emotions. Uttering fuck or shit does not come naturally to me, though I do realize that for many people they are common place. Words like “Knucklehead” or “Damn” are considered whining instead of cursing.

Why is contemporary society willing to accept crude a words as the norm?   What happened to “good” manners and polite conversation? 

Strong language has always been part of the voice of most cultures. In every country, swearing or profanity in known to erupt from an explosion of emotion, often aimed at upsetting another person. But anger isn’t the only reason people use crude words. James Harbek of the BBC speaks of five different ways people swear.  For example one can say,  “descriptively (Let’s fuck), idiomatically (It’s fucked up), abusively (Fuck you…!), emphatically (This is fucking amazing), and cathartically (Fuck!!!).” These are not necessarily meant to annoy.

Some words are taboo, but whether they are considered considered swearing varies from culture to culture. For instance, in some South African tribes, it is not OK for a woman to say her father-in-law’s name or any word that sounds like it, but if she does, it doesn’t turn it into a curse word if said accidentally.

Genitalia are commonly used in strong language, but again not always. In one Philippine language buray ni nanya (mother’s vagina) is heard as regularly as I would say, “Nuts!” Calling someone a ‘whore’ is also an international term, but usually refers to someone other than a wife. The most aggressive curse used by most cultures is naming a sexual act against someone’s mother. “Motherfucker” comes to mind.

Among Christian cultures, devil, hell, and Satan were turned into evil words by missionaries. Contemporary American society considers “damn” and “hell” to be moderate curse words in the middle of the spectrum. Potty words also get mixed attention depending on the country.  In Sweden, for instance, you might say Skif (Shit) if annoyed, but it is not a very considered a powerful curse and can be said in front of your Grandmother without repercussion. Poor health bothers the Dutch. Calling someone a “cancer sufferer”is a bad phase to use in Holland. In Mandarin, guītóu, or turtles head, is a veiled reference to penis and a strong curse.

Contemporary society is embroiled in a culture face-off between moralists and modernists. Moralists see swearing as a collapse of civility and sign of America getting coarser. They trace rampant cursing back to civil rights and Vietnam demonstrators shouting curses at rallies in the 60’s. Since then, Hollywood films, rock music and hip hop have made them commonplace. Moralists believe society has lost all sense of shame. They believe increased use of profanities escalates anger and supports bullying  that is disruptive to civilized communication.

Cromplaining about unchecked profanity is not new. In the 1920s, society railed around ‘slummers’, well-bred young people who emulated course language heard at the docks. In the 40s, a profanity came sailing home from the wars in Europe and Asia, along with returning GIs.  But, during those periods, cursing didn’t not overwhelm common language as it does today.  According to NPR, curse language has increased exponentially in recent years. They report that since the 1970s, causal vulgarity became more commonplace as informality expanded.

Modernists consider “dirty” words to be so ordinary that they are no longer profane. They’re simply colorful, though most agree that kids should be taught not to use them at inappropriate times. I’ve even heard someone say that, “potty mouths are like potholes, just another of life’s little inconveniences.”

To many, however, they are much worse than potholes. They see curse words and gutter talk indicating a lack of having class. Most citizens want their leaders to refrain from cursing. No one is interested in hearing a political say “Twat”, “Bitch” ,“Cock” or “Wanked” on national TV.

Apparently, I am one a of dwindling few who find vulgarness troubling, and don’t enjoy hearing people swear in public. I don’t even find it funny when comedians spout curse words and see their use as a crutch and poor substitute for cleverness.

When it comes to raising children, three-quarters of the population say parents should teach them that cursing is never right.  Strangely enough, 85% of the same population poled, say they curse from time to time.

Uttering profanities vividly demonstrates that your emotions got the better of you. When I hear people swear in anger, I tend to judge them badly for they are out of control even if they are justified to be upset.  I don’t want to be around them until they calm down. Swearing does not explain the cause of their anger and it gets in the way of the ability to problem solve.

Modernists need moralists if their curses are to mean anything. Foul mouths will lose power If everyone in society casually accepts profanity, for without prudes like me who are shocked by vulgarness, curse words will become meaningless.

I would love to hear your take on the use of profanity in common parlance. Please comment below.

References:

Harbeck, J. (2015) Mind your language! Swearing around the world. BBC Culture. retrieved from http://www.bbc.com/culture/story/20150306-how-to-swear-around-the-world

Nunberg,G.(2012) Swearing: A long and 3%@&$ History. NPR – Fresh Air Opinion. retrieved from https://www.npr.org/2012/07/24/156623763/swearing-a-long-and-history

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