Delilah the Do-Gooder     by Marilynne Eichinger

Managing a museum and running a household have a lot in common. You think you’re in control only to discover that you have more bosses than you care to consider. In a museum, government, bankers and board members are the ultimate bosses, but staff, consultants and even the public also have a say. To the director it seems like everyone knows the best way to do your job and they are not shy about telling you how to develop and market new programs, oversee the budget or supervise your staff. Disgruntled visitors are quick to use social media before contacting you and relish telling others about their dissatisfaction. Success is judged by attendance and the bottom line while being the first to create a blockbuster exhibit becomes a contest among the presidents of sister institutions. With tight budgets directors become timid about taking chances and refrain from bringing critical issues before the public.

In a family, there may be a spouse, partner parent or child who claims to understand you “better than you do yourself.” These relatives consider themselves to be Good Samaritans who are the knowledgeable gurus needed for your survival. My now deceased grandmother offers a perfect example of a well intentioned meddling do-gooder. When I was a teen, Grandma was not shy about sharing her opinions. She would sit in my room while I dressed for a date and tell me tales about the women she knew who ruined their reputation by engaging in pre-marital sex. Though Grandma never addressed the subject directly, through stories she did assertively make her opinions known along with her expectations of “good girl” behavior. She was relentless in her insistence that I pay close attention to her tales. I loved my grandmother and did not want to disappoint her but there are times I look back at her advice and wonder if it led to my eventual divorce.

Do-Gooders tend to be concerned individuals who do not like to witness sadness or incompetence. It is often hard for them to hold back what they perceive to be helpful words and actions because they are sure they know the way to improve your situation. I may be one of those caring people who want to jump into the difficulty and help immediately. I worry that I have a do-gooder gene that is similar to my grandmother’s. Now that my children have families of their own I find it difficult to sit on the sidelines and just watch them unfurl their lives.  I still feel protective and have a strong desire to share my life’s experiences through stories of my own. It is difficult to let go of control and just observe my child as she or he heads towards a pending disaster, especially when from time to time there is a return home for additional support. My husband has a standing joke that says, “when the children reach 60 they are on their own.”

I don’t think parents ever relinquish a sense of responsibility for their own children no matter how old they are. Without realizing what they are doing they often make their point known through a psychological concept known as magical thinking. They wind up using a process that applies unjustified reasons to a relationship between action and outcome. A funny example of magical logic can be found in a bowling ally where bowlers try to control outcome after the ball has been released by making movements with their bodies. It is humorous to watch them use hands and feet in an effort to bewitchingly guide the ball down the ally.

Magical thinking is often employed in subtle ways. When a brother-in-law of mine lost his job his father told him that his prayer group was going to pray for his success. His father made sure to keep his son informed of the group’s weekly intervention asking the Almighty for help. My brother-in-law was reminded regularly that quite a few people were thinking about him and acting on his behalf and that he had better progress towards solving his problem or his father would be disappointed in front of his friends. The psychological effect of the group was powerful and did have some effect in getting my brother-in-law motivated and moving in a useful direction. No one told this young man what to do but the message was clearly communicated that sitting around and feeling sorry for himself was not OK.

There are times when troubled family members become victims of gossip that at first appears to be malicious but may actually be helpful. When caring relatives pay attention to chatter that helps them better understand a dire situation it has a chance eo leading to positive action. Once a family gathers to share ideas about remediation, the group can work together in offering a beneficial intervention. Rather than having ten nagging voices, the relative in need is more likely to accept help that is given from a pool of love and respect.

Over the years I have learned that it is good to take the time to listen well and plan intercessions carefully. A short wait and see period gives me a moment to contemplate an appropriate response. I realize now that those in need of my assistance, want it given freely without strings attached, and though sometimes this is not possible, it does help to understand that the unhappy individual does not want another boss in his already confused life. A person in need does appreciate being heard but utmost tact must be used when giving advice, even if it has been requested.

One approach I’ve employed is to help a troubled friend or relative expand his or her thinking processes in order to become open to new ways of problem solving. In this way, the individual becomes empowered by skills that can used in finding solutions to a difficult situation. However, if there is the slightest hesitation created by this type of conversation then it is best to back off after explaining that you are available when the time is appropriate to continue the discussion. It is only when the individual is ready to hear suggestions that there is a chance of being an effective Do-Gooder.