The Orator
Acrylic on Canvas/ $325/ 18” x 22”
He stands on his box and complains to an audience of onlookers who egg him on. They applaud and laugh at the crazy way he rails against government, politicians, and certain religions. It’s entertaining to watch him shout and rave about injustice. He isn’t take seriously, though, for he has few solutions to unite people for change.
Complainers
Complainers. You know them well, for they pop in from every direction. Some whine, others murmur, grumble or growl. They find fault easily and are dissatisfied with most things they come in contact with, commenting frequently on how much worse the world is today than it was when they were young.
In the company of a complainer, I often tune out. After hearing an injustice repeated multiple times, it is difficult to pay attention. Complaints about traffic jams, bicyclists, potholes and homeless people urinating on the street may need to be addressed, but complaining about them to me serves no purpose. I can’t do much more about the situation than you can. Complainers rarely view their observations as calls to action, but instead, wallow in misery, affecting the mood of those around them
Complainers come in a variety of packages. Some are jumpers. These people react quickly letting everyone know immediately how upset they are. Some jumpers become whiners who continue repeating their complaints. Once they start, they never let up. Comments such as, “he’ll never stop drinking. I don’t know why I stay married,“ or “all politicians are corrupt. You can’t trust any of them,” may echo for years.
Then there are the venters, the angry frustrated people who complain to solicit attention and sympathy. They speak in loud demanding voices, repeat themselves endlessly and consider their views to be so important that insist everyone stop what they are doing to hear them. Venters seek validation and want to be surrounded by yes sayers. They lack interest in problem solving discussions. When asked to share their views and contribute to finding a solution, they turn away, complaining that the situation is hopeless.
Venters can easily wear a listener down. “The bus is late. The doctors don’t know what they are doing. My neighbor is a jerk. The coffee XXX makes is crummy.” After putting so much attention on all that is bad, venters occasionally get fed up and decide to move to greener pastures only to find new reasons to complain. It is in their nature, until they willingly alter their outlook.
Perfectionists can also be complainers. When I ran Impression 5 Science Museum in Lansing, Michigan, I hired a woman to direct our education department. She focused so heavily on problems that she was unable to see the good she did. Her reaction to positive happenings was, “That’s nice, but look at this? It’s not up to par.” She was miserable much of the time, for she believed that her colleagues and the teachers she hired would never be able to live up to her expectations. She also made it clear to all on staff that she was better able to do their jobs. Perhaps she was, but she could not be everywhere at once. She had to delegate and was unhappy doing so. Education programs blossomed under her leadership, yet she was so dispirited that she resigned.
Let’s not forget the jokers who make light of their complaints. They use humor as a way of venting frustrations. They don’t want to appear selfish for not putting out effort to solve a problem, so they hide their displeasure by smothering it with jokes, especially with strangers. They pretend to be happy when they are not. Though they think they are communicating clearly, the person they are speaking to is often confused by the joking manner.
More cautious are the hesitaters. They wait until a mysterious threshold is reached before they begin to complain. Hesitaters tend to be more introverted than jumpers, whiners and venters. How much control they have over a situation determines how and when they will react. They wait to hear a variety of opinions, preferring to stay positive if at all possible. Hesitaters are good at listening to complaints before deciding if there is a legitimate point that requires further investigation. They realize the importance of not passing on unsubstantiated facts and gossip.
I’m an occasional hesitater. When my suitcase was misplaced on a flight to Morocco, I was upset but took my complaint to the airline counter. Hearing that my bag wouldn’t arrive until the next day, I bought a clean shirt, undies and toothbrush. My complaint worked to take care of the problem. Much of the time, complaints are ignored because the solution is not readily available. Focusing on such things as homeless people loitering the streets is fruitless. Instead of complaining that the city is going to pieces, homelessness is a call for attention—at least for me it is.
Complainers tend to be unhappy. They see problems wherever they go, and are convinced that they will never be solved. They spout their displeasure and let bad situations continue as a way of proving their point. They don’t believe it is their responsibility to do more. They’re convinced they deserve better, that the problem is not their fault and that they have the right to get more from life. They believe that if they were in charge, the world would be better, and they are determined that if they can’t be happy, then no one else should be.
Thankfully, there are also the good complainers—the doers. Their complaints identify problems which motivate them to action. In general, they are a happier bunch than the jumpers, winers, jokers and venters, because they have goals and strategically plan ways to meet them. Though their complaint may not get completely solved, they feel rewarded by taking baby steps in the right direction.
A way to be happier, is to limit making complaints as well as your exposure to complainers. Why dampen your mood and that of others with negativity? It is important not personalize the thoughts of chronic complainers, but to have empathy for their misery. They see the world through a reality that can affect their health, for there are physical side affects to complaining. Neck and shoulder muscles tighten, migraines occur and the heart can be affected.
Being around people who complain is exhausting, frustrating and unproductive. Unfortunately, there are times when you can not just ignore them, but have to decide to move on or your own health will suffer.
I agree with Anais Non who wrote,
“You are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life. You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead. Take control and choose to focus on what is important in your life.”
My suggestions? Assess complaints for their opportunity. Identify problems that need attention and commitment and only complain when you think it will effect real, positive change. Choose one problem to work on and try to make a difference.
References:
Moodie, K .(2017) Here’s How Much Each Personality Type Complains.Personality Growth. retrieved from https://personalitygrowth.com/heres-how-much-each-personality-type-complains/
Biswas-Diener,r. (2017) The Three Types of Complaining. Psychology Today. retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/significant-results/201706/the-three-types-complaining
Herald, M. (2015) How to protect Yourself from Chronic Complainers. Emotionally Resilient Living. retrieved from https://www.emotionallyresilientliving.com/how-to-protect-yourself-from-chronic-complainers
Davis, A. (2017) 6 Reasons Why Complainers Are the Most Miserable People. HuffPost. retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/adam-davis/6-reasons-why-complainers_b_9818706.html
Nin, A .(author) Herron, P. (Editor) (2015) The Quotable Anais Nin: 365 Quotations with Citations. Sky Blue Press
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