The following segment is taken from my latest book, “Over the Peanut Fence.” I am sharing it, because of the move to outlaw abortions without fully understanding the consequences. We can look to Romania, between 1965 and 1989, when contraception and abortions were strictly forbidden. Thousands of unwanted infants were sent to overcrowded, sterile orphanages. Communist leadership hoped to increase the fertility rate of the country but instead nearly 10,000 women died due to complications arising from illegal abortions and thousands of unwanted infants were sent to overcrowded orphanages where brain development was thwarted. Those who had abortions were sent to prison, and those suffering from complications due to seeking an illegal abortion, were turned away from healthcare.
Eva – Why does she cry? She has to face a decision that has no right answer. It is not easy.
From chapter on Lovelessness: “Over the Peanut Fence”
“The majority of us are fortunate for we are surrounded by affectionate parents and relatives. As infants, we were held and cherished us and as adults, we find partners and form bonds based on fondness and mutual respect. But what happens to children who are never caressed or told they are special? What are the long-term effects of never having been touched or cuddled? What befalls those who are abandoned, left on door steps or placed in cribs and not attended to when they cry, or when their diapers need to be changed?
A cornerstone study about infant neglect was initiated in the 1980s when Dr. Nathan Fox and colleagues from Harvard Medical School, walked into an orphanage in Romania. Due to a recent ban on abortion, the number of orphan babies had soared. 170,000 children were placed in 700 overcrowded and impoverished facilities across the country, staffed with an insufficient number of caretakers. Though the facilities were clean, the infants were emotionally neglected. Left day and night in their cribs, the babies were changed periodically and fed without being held. The nurseries were eerily quiet places. Since crying infants were ignored, they stopped making sounds. No attention—no cries—only silence.
Dr. Fox followed the children for over fourteen years. During the early years, autistic-like behaviors such as head-banging and rocking were common. As the children aged, their head circumferences remained unusually small. They had difficulty paying attention and comprehending what was going on around them. Over time, 50 percent of the children suffered from mental illness. They displayed poor impulse control, were socially withdrawn, had problems coping and regulating emotions, and handicapped by low self-esteem. They manifested pathological behaviors such as tics, tantrums, stealing and self-punishment. Poor intellectual functioning caused them to have low academic success.
Those youngsters fortunate enough to be put in a caring foster home before the age of two were able to rebound. Those who entered foster care at a later age were not so lucky and many became permanently damaged.”
We know for sure that warmth and love are crucial for a child’s well-being. Dr. Fox’s study continued for thirteen years teaching us much about infant brain development, the need babies have to be touched and responded to when they cry, and the unforeseen effects of imposing a political will on the right of a woman to choose. Abortion is currently legal in abortion.
Understaffed Romanian Orphanage
In 1965 Romania’s population was 19.4 million.The population of the United states is currently 327.9 million, approximately 16.9 times larger. These laws will likely cause 169,000 deaths due to illegal abortions. If we use Romania’s numbers and multiply them by 16.9, the U.S. will find itself with 2,873,000 unwanted infants over a ten year period. Most will not get adopted. Many of will become brain damaged due to lack of love and attention for we are not set up to care for them. We will have to care for them the rest of their lives. The average cost of raising a child to seventeen is $ 233,610. Total amount needed for ten years of unwanted infants will be more than $671,161,530,000. Who will pay for these children’s care? Is it better to have a child who will most likely be brain damaged and need care throughout his or her life or to abort?
References:
Nelson, C. & Fox, N. & Zeanah, C. (2014) Romania’s Abandoned Children, Deprivation, Brain Development, and the Struggle for Recovery, Harvard University Press.
Like to travel? #Libraries are where you find a world filled with places to visit. They are also places for the #homeless to find hope.
When a child, I read non-stop. As soon as my mother tucked me in for the night, I’d go to my bedroom closet, put on the light to be transported to worlds that fired my imagination. Mom quickly discovered my hiding place, noticing light shining through the crack at the base of the door. I countered by stuffing towels in the crack.
Reaching adulthood and independence from “it’s time to turn your light out and go to sleep,” admonishments allowed me to stay engrossed in my book throughout the night. It is not surprising that I enrolled in a master’s degree program at Simmons Library Science school. The notion of a lifetime surrounded by books was luxurious. I especially enjoyed reference library courses where I could investigate to my heart’s content. I only completed half the program, though for Motherhood struck and my diapers were substituted for books.
My love for libraries never subsided, and I continued to pay attention to how they transformed to meet the needs of their patrons. While researching “Over the Peanut Fence,” I was drawn again into their web. I payed attention to the homeless bodies lounging on their front steps until the building opened so they could get out of the cold. I spoke to Vailey Oehike, director of Multnomah County Libraries and David Ratliff their Neighborhood Libraries Director. And, I interviewed an amazing woman—Ginnie Cooper, their past director who later oversaw library systems in Brooklyn, NY and Washington, D.C. What I learned was extraordinary. Quietly, with little commotion, libraries developed special ways of serving struggling populations.
They initiated programs for the thousands of people who are illiterate in our communities. They increased their reading programs for children, many of whom slept in cars with their parents. The following is from Ginnie’s interview in, “Over the Peanut Fence.”
”Public libraries serve whomever walks into the library without regard to whether or not they live in a fixed residence.” She also reminded me that “this has always been the case. In the early 1900s, immigrants came to learn English and to peruse newspapers to look for employment.
“Since their inception, public libraries have helped the homeless, the poor, immigrants, and the mentally challenged, not just wealthy, educated patrons. Library members are different today than those who joined in the past. We now see a higher number of laid off, middle-age men and women who can’t find a job. Many are heads of households who, because of circumstances beyond their control, have lost their homes and have to sleep in their cars. They send their children to school without the benefit of a shower, clean clothes, a good night’s sleep or adequate food.
“During the day, libraries are a service center for those who would otherwise spend hours wandering. When the weather turns cold over one-hundred people wait outside to come into the warm Central Library Building. Though many need library services, others come simply looking for a safe place to spend the day. Overnight shelters provide early morning breakfast but by 7 a.m., they usually release their guests to wander the streets. A few reopen for lunch and dinner, after which their dining areas again close with recipients asked to leave. Beds are rarely available before 7 p.m., making the hours feel long on cold and rainy days. A few shelters do have small day rooms, but they’re crowded with limited materials available to fight boredom. Users report that while drop-in centers make them feel homeless, they never feel that way in a public library.
“Homeless parents arrive with their children seeking warmth, shelter, social contacts, story time, parent-education programs and help reaching social service agencies. Unfortunately, there is usually a wait, sometimes a year or more, before they can get shelter, for family centers have long lists of people hoping to gain access. Many shelters only accommodate one parent with their children, so the spouse is forced to go elsewhere. Partnered adults may use the library as a place to meet the following day.
“Since so many use the library as a safe haven, staff is challenged to keep bathrooms clean and ensure that other members are not disturbed by body odors and noise. It’s not fun to have to ask an odiferous patron to leave until he or she showers. Homeless youth are primarily there to search for jobs, check their email, and get out of the rain.”
Over the Peanut Fence discusses the many ways libraries assist special populations. The book shares the country’s appalling illiteracy rates and discusses community efforts to help poor readers.
Discovering what you love to do will lead towards a #passionatelife.
Several weeks ago I met an orchestra conductor who grew up on a kibbutz, a communal farm in Israel. When he was a teenager, the commune decided it needed a bee keeper and assigned him that job. He toiled at beekeeping for three years before leaving the kibbutz to follow his passion which lay in music. Fortunately his dreams, talent, and perseverant personality lead him towards a successful career. Yaacov Bergman served for years as Music Director of the Colorado Springs Symphony and The New York Heritage Symphony and 92nd St. Y Orchestras in New York City. He now conducts regularly in Oregon, Washington, and Idaho and makes frequent guest appearances across the globe.
Finding a career that provides purpose and passion is not limited to youth. It is a reoccurring theme in most people’s lives. High school and college graduates look for meaningful careers they can embrace throughout their lives. Some become dedicated workers, buying into their employer’s goals. Yet, it’s is not unusual for them to become frustrated in their forties and fifties. Others who spend their early careers chasing after wealth, find it to be a goal that is no longer satisfying. Many discover that their bodies are no longer able to do tasks required for their success. Models became wrinkled, gymnasts lose flexibility, and rock climbers fear falling. Those who followed goals set by their parents begin to wonder how they got talked into their present careers. They may have been pushed to become lawyers, doctors, jewelers, actors, fishermen or financiers and now, as adults, wonder why they spent so many years following their parent’s dreams. And so, the search to find themselves and for meaningful employment begins.
Middle age, however, is not likely to be the last time they confront questions of meaning and purpose in daily toil. Active retirees face similar dilemmas of passing their hours purposefully and productively. They search for engagement in meaningful activities, though they may not be as physically strenuous as ones pursued when younger.
Questioning the purpose for being and spending hours in fruitful pursuits continues throughout life. Happily, finding what you are meant to be and do at each juncture in life is definitely doable. Following are a few thoughts of how to go about it.
Know who you are. Sound easy? It’s not. We do change over time and need to gauge who we are at the particular moment we start our search. Life’s occurrences can alter the way we think and act. As you seek a new direction, appraise your skills and consider what you love to do. What type of books do you read over and over again without getting bored? What did you enjoy doing as a child If money wasn’t a consideration, what would you be willing to do for free? What are your hobbies?
What you are mediocre at? Is it worth spending time (money) to increase your skills? Are you willing to return to school, attend workshops or find a master to apprentice yourself to? In my twenties, I taught dancing to elementary school children. Surprisingly, my worst student was the only one to become a professional dancer. She was inspired and put in hours of practice to get where she wanted to go.
Accept that passion and purpose don’t have to be the same as your job. Many people have repetitive work situations they do for a paycheck. Their purpose is found outside of their employment. Some interests and hobbies will never make you wealthy. Yet, these activities can provide richness and color to living and they may move you in the direction of a career. For example, Jane loved to draw and paint, but to earn a living, required training in computer aided design, marketing, and other business skills. These added proficiencies enabled her to fuel an emerging passion.
List what you hate doing and eliminate those activities from you search. Then ask yourself if there’s something you wish you had been doing for the last twenty years? What would it take to start?
Though some people have immediate insight into what they want their future to be, most do not. Finding purpose and passion is like digging for gold. You need discipline and have to be willing to try over and over again, accepting failures as you go. Visualization is a technique I use from time to time to help me solve problems. Imagine dressing quickly because you‘re looking forward to leaving home on a sunny day for a job you like. Where are you going? What will you be doing?
As an employer, during interviews, I always asked people to describe themselves. I was particularly interested in what they did outside of work. Watching them light up as they passionately described their hobbies was often the reason I offered them a job. I wasn’t looking for perfection, but I wanted to know that they were willing to learn and were capable of feeling intensely about something they loved to do. People with a zest for life made our workplace a creative exciting place to be.
Millennials and Gen Zs are more interested in experiences than possessions. The great outdoors beckons them with freedom, health and companionship.
acrylic on deep canvas /20” x 16” / $ 399.
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Seeking Community in a Time of Change
In past blogs, we explored social change and the pressure it puts on people to adapt. We looked at why young adults marry later and birth fewer children. And, at the other end of the age spectrum, we saw what happens to elders when family and friends move out of town or die, leaving them without support. Lastly, we examined technologically savvy teens who replace face-to-face interactions with social media. Adapting to change is difficult, leaving people feeling isolated and frightened. I listen to many of them during counseling sessions and feel their pain. Yet, despite all I hear, I have great hope for the future. The young adults I meet are loving, compassionate, active and community minded.
The need to adapt to change can be troublesome, for it sneaks up to surprise us. To transition from old ways of thinking, a person has to accept that there’s a need to do so. For instance, the need people have for community is the same as it was in previous generations, but the way younger people go about it today, differs greatly. Since lives no longer center around families who reside in stable neighborhoods, ways to communicate on the computer were invented to help us find meaningful relationships.
The flight from small towns and farms to cities initiated change in the way we live. Seeking better employment and more exciting places to roost required newcomers to be aggressive and outgoing when searching for companionship. Finding others with shared interests and values is time consuming. It can take years before acquaintances turn into deep friendships.
Adapting to social change requires forethought, patience and a willingness to practice new ways of interacting. The front porch rocker is no longer the place to go for a chat. It’s been replaced by sitting isolated for hours before a computer. At the same time, the computer is like a friend, for it is now the usual way to be introduced to those with share interests.
The World Wide Web opens doors to companionship. Walking through the door, however, takes a certain amount of courage. At some point it’s necessary to get off your chair and step outdoors. Following are a few paths people take to find community. Some are firmly embedded in the new reality, while others are becoming more so.
1) Used by millions of people, Computer dating services quickly became the norm. Websites like eharmony, Silver Singles, Match.com, and Zoosk sieve members through algorithms that match personal attributes. Those seeking love and companionship no longer wait for introductions from friends, family or matchmakers. As with many internet based services, however, caution has to be taken, for it’s possible to be victimized by scoundrels.
2) Meetups offer adults ways to connect through interest groups. There are gatherings for hiking, dog-lovers, photographers, artists, writers, readers and singers. Those who crave physical challenges band together for volleyball, camping and hiking. There are groups watch ingJapanese Movies, holding Forgiveness Discussions, coping with disability, and even participating in Oil Education sessions. A great many gatherings form around eating, drinking, talking and laughing.
Some of these associations lead to close relationships, but not all. It’s fairly common to attend weekly sessions without befriending the person sitting next to you. Friendships require effort and the participant has to take the next step. It involves a willingness to do meet for coffee or engage in activities with new acquaintances. Close relationships require trust and being open to discussing hopes, dreams and fears.
3) Maker groups come in many flavors, bringing people who like to create together in interest specific groups. Gatherings run the gamut from Digital Fabrication, 3D printing, Tinkering, Data Science to Movie Making. There’s a group called Coffee, Art, and Music and one named Sewing, Craft, DIY. There’s a Wine & Wineries Socializing Group, Hardware Startups, a Healthy-Tech-Think-Tank and even a Rainbow Duct Tape group. Some makers get involved in music festival projects while others form around making Pizza. Think it and you can probably find it as a subset of Meetup.
4) Co-housing: Throughout history, people lived in villages and small co-dependent communities. Not impeded by doors and fences, they helped neighbors needing food and childcare. They joined hunting parties, farmed and prayed. Today, few of us have neighbors who will come running when we need help. According to the 2010 Census Bureau, the average number of people living next door to you is three. They reside in self-sufficient units and take pride in being independent. Yet, private accommodations drain money and time and they don’t contribute to building community.
Today’s young adults are choosing to live communally in dwellings that combat loneliness and isolation. Co-housing is a distinct, yet American, way to reside, for it brings together strangers who value individualism and privacy, yet desire community. Co-housing combines private space with common areas to share meals, gardens, physical workouts, tools, and craft activities. Co-housing is not the same as the hippie communes of the 1960s where finances, cooking, social activities and ownership was shared by all, though it does offer ways to increase social interaction.
Co-housing, began in Denmark in the 1960s and was introduced to the U. S. in the 1990s. They vary in design and size with some being restricted by age while others are intergenerational. How often residents dine together and the extent of their shared facilities varies. Larger developments often employ a community manager to organize events, volunteer activities, and dinners.
Last summer I visited an eco-village composed of twelve houses with footprints limited to 1,200 sq. ft. Each structure was an experiment in energy efficient construction. One had solar heating panels while another used a heat pump. My friend built her house with thick walls that she and volunteer college students insulated with a slurry composed of mud and grass. Property owners share workshops, gardens and communal dining facilities. The compound’s layout makes it easy for people to interact.
Another co-housing development I toured consisted of twenty-four condominiums. Each was constructed with kitchen windows facing the compound’s playground. The founders wanted residents to feel like they belonged to a loving extended family. Seniors are encouraged to share their time and wisdom with children living in their community. Neighbors help each other with everything from home maintenance to childcare, cooking and shopping. All residents buy into the development’s land and participate in maintaining its property.
Home ownership is not a requirement for co-housing to be successful. Apartment buildings are being similarly built around shared amenities to encourage relationships that keep loneliness at bay. I’m impressed by Roam, a fairly new global community of co-living and co-working spaces where dwellers sign a single lease and live in sites worldwide for a week or a lifetime. Since so many people work from home, roaming the world and taking advantage of global housing while earning a living is enticing.
5) Shared living and work spaces are growing trends among Millennials, Gen-Zs and even some Baby Boomers. Unrelated adults join to purchase homes or rent rooms in houses where expenses and upkeep are shared. Living with housemates is more affordable and less lonely than being alone, and it allows money to be saved and used for travel. Sharing is part of the minimalist movement sweeping the country. Status is gained by having few posessions, getting by as a one-car or zero-car family and using services like Uber, Lyft, Smart Cars or CarGo.
Businesses are adapting to societal changes by incorporating ways to promote community into their planning. For example, Capital One Cafes turned traditional banking into a place where customers (and non-customers) can get coffee, work, chat with friends and receive help with banking needs. Rather than provide services, many businesses are using data to facilitate transactions for people when and where they want them. Bicycle and scooter rentals, Airbnb, apartment/home lending, WeWork, talent-sharing are a but few. Tools are borrowed through sharing resources like “Neighborgoods” and tool lending libraries, and fashionable clothing can be rented through stores serving black tie events.
Notions of what constitutes success is being redefined. Rather than measuring the size of their house or bank account, younger generations see success as purposeful work and meaningful relationships. According to Blake Morgan Self-sufficient Americans live in homes and apartments behind closed doors. of Forbes magazine, “Companies (like Capital One) that can transfer to become more experience-focused are the ones that will succeed in the changing world.”
I agree with her assessment but go a step further. The time is ripe for redefining our relationship to the land, not just to people. The “relational worldview” model, seeking harmony among competing factors may offer insight in how to do this-but that’s another story.
References:
Morgan, B . ( 2019) NOwnership, No Problem: An updated Look at Why Millennieals Value Experiences Over Owning Things. Forbes. retrieved from
