acrylic painting – 22” x 18” $ 385
Training a child to become independent is an awesome job.

Whose Freedom Is It?
When my granddaughter was 16, she wanted to be free from her parents’ control. As a typical teenager she took her cues from her friends which often led to major disagreements at home. To my children’s credit my granddaughter did not always get her way, but her parents were good at adapting to age related situations in order to give her increased independence. Beach parties were big events in their coastal community and one year my granddaughter wanted to have one for her birthday, without parental supervision. Hummm,. . . .sounds good, but alcohol, drugs, and “what not” were often a part of teen beach events.

What would you do? Say no, or allow the festivities to take place? Her parents took a creative approach that let the party proceed. My son-in-law set up his own solitary party away from the revelers, but located within site lines of his daughter and her friends. The weather was perfect and during the evening he became engrossed in a book in front of his own fire while nibbling on snacks brought from home. He let the kids have fun for as long and they wanted, staying out of the way, but because everyone knew that there was an adult paying attention to their antics, the party proceeded without incident.

All children are going to become old enough to make their own decisions, but a difficult part of parenting is preparing them for this eventuality. Many years ago I read that offspring of parents who are very controlling while their children are in high school are often the wildest ones during freshman year at college. I am reminded of an incident that occurred when I was in 9th grade. While riding a public bus on the way home from school, my friends and I observed girls from a local private school who were made adhere to a strict dress code. As soon as these teens boarded the bus, out came their compact powders, lipsticks and combs. The girls refashioned their hair and added earrings and other jewelry to their attire. In order to soften the look of their uniforms, shirt tails would be pulled out of skirt bands and left casually hanging. Much to the discomfort of other the passengers, the students became loud and boisterous, acting as though they were riding a private vehicle. My friends and I felt sorry for them because they seemed out of control, and we gossiped about them behind their backs.

This incident raises the question of what is free choice, and how much of it should a parent give to their offspring? Freedom tied to responsibility is the goal, but how does one get reach that point? If a child does not clean the dishes or throws his or her clothes on the bedroom floor, is that freedom of choice? Perhaps it is, but those actions also can impinge on the parent’s freedom. If the adult does not agree to let the child use or abuse his own bedroom then the parent becomes a monitor, bringing feelings of anger because of increased household work and paying for clothing that is not valued.

So who and what is free? Teaching responsibility to accompany free choice starts at an early age. It involves discussions and actions that have consequences aimed at exploring the “what if?” question from several points of view. It also involves being present, without anger, when a child makes an honest mistake and stumbles. Being there to sooth raw emotions, and inviting verbal analysis of the event, with the goal of finding a path to avoid future pitfalls, presents an opportunity parents should cherish as long their children remain under their roof. When teens leave for a job or distant college campus, it is too late to teach the analytical skills needed for decision making.

When my children were young, we used the dinner hour as the main time to discuss and dissect daily issues. We would bring problems to the table and try to look at them from several viewpoints. Occasionally and just for the fun of it, I would introduce a complex situation from work, so all could contribute to a “How would you handle it?” discussion. We had lots of discourse, not always agreeing, but constantly thinking and gaining perspective from the various sides of the problem. There were many times when we became frustrated, such as when one child teased another, because we could not find a solution that stopped the behavior. In those occasions we did have to step in with a firm resolution from parental authority. The ensuing discussion about teasing and repercussions did eventually grab hold and helped to alleviate the situation.

My suggestion to parents is to start having philosophical conversations at an early age and bring children into a discussion of outcomes and fair consequences. Even a 5 year old can consider ethical and social issues. For instance, you might ask a youngster a question like, “ What should you do if you find a dollar in the driveway of your neighbor’s house? Do you keep it or return it?”

When the child in a bit older the subject of bullying might be introduced by inquiring, “What roll should a bystander take who observes a friend being bullied?” The conversations will most likely lead to talk of how the bullied person might feel and what would lead a person to becoming a bully. When my youngest child was being heckled because of his short stature, he and my husband spent hours thinking up and practicing quick retorts. By demonstrating that he was not embarrassed or put off by the bully, my son eventually put an end to the unwanted situation. The exercise also taught him to accept himself as a short person and not let it affect his life.

Young women love to talk about around body and facial adornment. It can be fun to debate cultural applications of makeup and tattoos applied in tribal communities, by prostitutes or actors, and by various socio-economic groups in local neighborhoods. Fashion certainly can produce a lively exchange of ideas. Because the discussion becomes a sociological lesson rather than a confrontation, the subject becomes mind expanding. Youngsters learn that a choice of lipstick color is often determined by the pressure of friends, a marketing expert or tribal custom, rather than one of free choice.

There are numerous conversations that might evolve from auto-speak. An adult who is knowledgeable about automobiles could discuss cars and how the selection of one model over another says something about the buyer. The economy, ecology, status symbol, safety, driver’s responsibilities, alternative transportation, even the topic of fuel efficiency at various driving speeds can be debated. It is through these types of conversations that children develop value systems.

So . . . parent’s and grandparents why not have frequent conversations with your children around the subject of freedom. By considering several points of view your child can refine his or her analytical skills. Then as your child ages, permit your youngster to test conclusions, allowing him or her to experience the lows of failure and the highs of success. A parent who is available to insure safety can reassure their child that mistakes are normal. This will go a long way in building their offspring’s self-confidence. It is by examining failures and being encouraged to try again that people grow. In this way parents, grandparents and teachers can help children understand the implications of so called “free choice.”