Seeking Perfection The colors caress each other, snuggling close, feeding off of neighbors in their search for warmth, love, and fulfillment.
Loveahug?
Hugging – a sensitive expression of caring in a culture consumed with fear of being abused. It would be nice not to worry about hugs being taken the wrong way. Unfortunately, they often are.
This morning I watched a smiley three-year-old boy stand at the end of a walkway waiting for his giggling little brother to run into his outstretched arms.The brothers were having a wonderful time playing, and I felt fortunate to observe such unbounded expressions of love and happiness. They reminded me of my childhood.
My parents and grandparents were loving people who easily embraced their children. They kissed tears away when we fell down and planted kisses on our cheeks before we went to bed. Their willingness to touch, however, was reserved for family members, not acquaintances. Visitors were greeted with an outstretched hand and a hearty shake. I followed their lead and stuck my hand forward when welcoming guests until I got married. It was during my hippy years in Cambridge that customs changed. The normal way to greet acquaintances became a hug and occasional kiss on the cheek.
I had a difficult time adapting to the new norm, for I was not used to being touched by those outside of my immediate circle. Since I did not want to appear to be a“cold fish,” I forced myself to go with the flow. After a while, I enjoyed hugging with the best of my friends. It was the expected way to act.
When traveling abroad, I observed different types of salutations being used. Europeans often met each other by planting a kiss on each cheek, moving from right to left. In Morocco I saw men hug their friends and kiss them on both cheeks. Similar contact between the sexes was forbidden and considered obscene. The handshakes between men were weak and didn’t last long. Russians, however, shook hands regular and with gusto. Close male friends and women commonly kissed each other, again on each cheek.I t is to learn these customs before spending an extended period of time in a foreign country.
Psychologists say that hugs are good for you. They help build trust and provide a sense of safety for the recipient. Hugs boost oxytocin levels which heal feelings of being alone. They strengthen the immune system and improve self-esteem by demonstrating that you are lovable. During a hug, muscles relax and your, nervous system responds with changes in skin moisture, temperature and heart rate. Caresses teach us to let go, to enjoy the moment, and to give and receive. They becomea visible investment in a relationship.
Despite the good that comes from being held, I am more nervous about hugging than I used to be. No longer is it the ‘60s with the love generation in full rage. The MeToo movement makes me cautious. I read that Vice President Pence is afraid to have a meal with a woman if his wife is not present. I assume he’s afraid that his intentions will be misunderstood. And I heard accounts of Joe Biden touching Lucy Flores’ shoulders and kissing her hair while she was preparing for a stump speech in Nevada. Many voters chastised him immediately. His actions, considered unwanted today, was typical of the behavior I expected (before a speech and in public) when I was a young adult. It signaled friendliness and encouragement for the task I was about to undertake.
Because of today’s queasiness with being touched, I’ve had to learn to think before I hug. I try to be more careful before wrapping someone in my arms. I still make mistakes, though. I can feel when a friend stiffens and pulls back. I went so far as to look to the exports. Following are suggestions found in Psychology Today that serve as my guide.
- People who hug without thinking need to pause a minute to assess the other person’s body language before lunging. If the individual stands straight and doesn’t lean toward you, it is best to stretch out your hand instead of offer a hug.
- Stop to consider if your acquaintance might think a hug offensive. A 2014 study found that women not in a heterosexual relationship were reluctant to be hugged by men. Age also played a factor in their willingness to be held.
- European researchers determined that older adults rate touch more positively than younger ones. They tend to be more welcoming, especial if the caress is slow and gentle—but not always, so sensitivity to the individual is important. It’s definitely smart to be more cautious when hugging a younger person.
- Hugging a colleague at work is a no-no due to the growing concern about sexual harassment. Leave hugs for special occasions, such as when someone leaves the company or retires.
- Observe how other people treat the situation you are in. For instance, a graduation or birthday hug is usually acceptable when everyone else is doing so. A hug at a funeral or other emotionally charged event may be seen as a sign of caring. A longer caress can given safely to a person who is grieving or emotionally hurting if you know the individual fairly well.
- Though you may not be a huggy type, there are times when others may consider you standoffish for being unwilling to receive their affection. That was the case with me before I learned to hug. However, if you are bothered by touch, germs, or body odor, turn to the side and extend your hand or stiffen and and pull back to avoid contact. If it happens often, explain to the individual that you are not much of a hugger but do enjoy their company. Honesty is often the best way to explain that you do not love to be hugged.
Society’s norms never remain constant, though it would be easier if they did. Since change is inevitable it is important to pay attention to the sensibilities of the object of your affection.
References
Felicetti,M ( 10 Reasons Why We Need at Least 8 Hugs a Day. mbgrelationships. retrieved from https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-5756/10-Reasons-Why-We-Need-at-Least-8-Hugs-a-Day.html
Whitbourne, Ph.D.(2016) Seven Basic Rules of Hugging. Psychology Today. retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201603/7-basic-rules-hugging
McGann,(2019) Lucy Flores isn’t alone. Joe Bien has a long history of touching women inappropriately. VOX. retrieved from https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2019/3/29/18241598/joe-biden-lucy-flores-touching-women-media-history-explaine
By a Relocation Expert (2-11)Greeting Customs Around the World, DIversity Resources. retrieved from https://www.diversityresources.com/greeting-customs-around-the-world/
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