A Masked View
There were times during my years of raising children and caring for elders when letting go felt impossible.
When my babies were born, I vowed to protect and care for them. I survived the terrible twos—those chaotic years when they wanted to explore everything and screamed when I wouldn’t let them cross the street alone. As they grew older and began walking, climbing jungle gyms, and learning to ride bikes, I made sure the ground was soft if they fell and insisted on helmets for safety. I did my best to ensure they weren’t bullied and that their teachers paid attention.
I may have been a hovering mom, and for a while, that served us well. But then came the teen years, and they developed minds of their own.
Guiding teens is always a challenge, but today it feels more complicated than ever. Parents now face an array of new concerns, including cell phones, social media, overstimulation, sleep deprivation, safety concerns, and financial uncertainty. Yet the heart of the challenge remains the same—parents must eventually let go, often sooner than they expect. High school flies by, and suddenly, our children are stepping into a complex, competitive world.
Strangely, though, our culture sends mixed messages. Teens are told to be responsible, avoid drugs, alcohol, and sex, while popular media normalizes the very behaviors we warn against. It’s no wonder they feel confused.
Helping our kids navigate this minefield starts with trust. Support their growing independence by helping them identify what they like and don’t like. Let them make choices that aren’t harmful, even when they aren’t the ones you would make. For me, that began with small decisions, like clothing and hairstyles. I loved dressing them when they were young, but as teens, they chose baggy pants and dyed hair, styles that made me cringe.
Still, I let it go. They had good friends, were actively involved in positive school activities, and earned decent grades. I came to see those style choices as harmless forms of self-expression. I talked with them about their decisions—not to override them, but to understand their reasoning. I wanted them to feel heard, not corrected.
Their independence also meant discovering purpose. I wanted them to feel that what they did mattered. That’s something I tried to nurture through daily life. The experts I consulted agreed it’s important. Here are some research-based ways parents can support their teens in developing autonomy and identity:
- Help them understand they matter. Show them that their ideas, actions, and presence make a difference.
- Celebrate unevenness. Not every teen excels at everything. Help them discover and lean into what they love.
- Have small, frequent conversations. Ask open-ended questions like, “What do you think your best qualities are?”
- Model a purposeful life. Show your own love of learning, joy, and fulfillment.
- Encourage exploration. Invite them to step outside their comfort zone now and then.
- Support volunteer work. Helping others fosters purpose and identity, especially when it aligns with their interests.
- Be patient. Let them move at their own pace. Provide stimulation and space for reflection—both are necessary.
My own parents followed similar principles. By the time I left home at eighteen, independence had become a natural part of me. I didn’t experience the giddy relief some of my college classmates felt at escaping home. I also noticed something: the students whose parents maintained the tightest control often rebelled the hardest, engaging in parties, drinking, and risky behavior.
Letting go of my own children was still emotionally hard. The ache of the empty nest hit me each time one of them entered eleventh grade, when the end of our daily life together came into view. I feared our relationship would change. I’d miss their presence, their energy, the sound of their footsteps. And yes, I did. But their departure also gave me the space to rediscover who I was without them at the center of everything.
Today, I remain close with my children, even though distance makes it harder to form the kind of relationship I’d hoped for with their own children. Still, it’s rewarding to see them doing well, and they are resourceful, thoughtful, and adaptable in a rapidly changing world. They are problem solvers, grounded and resilient. And I like to think that my letting go helped them get there.
Remember the words of Hodding Carter Jr., civil rights activist and former Assistant Secretary of State for Public Affairs under Jimmy Carter. “There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots, the other is wings.”
Please share your thoughts on parenting and grandparenting to help the youngsters in your life prepare for adulthood. Share on my BLOGSITE. https://www.eichingerfineart.com/blog/202070/letting-go
References:
Website: Guiding Teens into Adulthood in the Modern World. Focus Family. Retrieved from https://www.focusonthefamily.com/family-qa/guiding-teens-into-adulthood-in-the-modern-world/
Website Guiding Teens Towards Finding Purpose. CHC Resource Library. Retrieved from https://www.chconline.org/resourcelibrary/guiding-teens-towards-finding-purpose-in-life/
website. Guiding Teens on Life’s Highway. Parenting today’s teens. Retrieved from https://parentingtodaysteens.org/articles/guiding-teens-on-lifes-highway//
Art is always for sale. A Masked View is a 30” by 24” acrylic painting on deep canvas. Purchase through my website at: https://www.eichingerfineart.com/workszoom/4504055/a-masked-view#/ Questions? Contact me at marilynne@eichingerfineart.com
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Parenting is an art. Unfortunately, some parents don’t realize this and fail to fulfill their obligations to their children and society. Too many of these children end up homeless, surviving on the streets of our cities.
Over the Fence describes what it is like for those young adults and the people who try to help them find their purpose. It can be purchased on Amazon, Barnes & Noble. If your bookstore doesn’t carry it, ask them to purchase a copy from Ingram Sparks.
