Love Has It All

Floating Free in a Bed of Roses

Roses, a symbol of love float freely trusting that they will remain
committed to their beatiful community.

29” by 23”, Acrylic on Canvas, $425.

Love Has It All

I recently heard an enlightening, though cerebral talk about love. The speaker was passionate in his belief that if we all practice love and kindness, it can lead to peace and harmony. Though the content of the speech was hopeful and intellectually powerful, his words left me emotionless. I found it difficult to move from my brain to my gut to absorb what he was saying, and did not leave the talk with the warm fuzzy feeling you get from love. I also wondered, how it would be possible to get everyone in a community ( or a relationship) to practice love?

I became acutely aware of how easy it is to disconnect mind and emotions when trying to communicate an important message. I empathized because I am often criticized for doing the same in my writings. The newsletters I send out weekly are vetted in a writers group I belong to and an oft heard complaint is that I am too academic. The more I thought about this problem the more challenged I became. Can I turn thoughts and words into something that tugs at the “heart?”

Years ago I had a friend from Ghana who asked me, “What is this thing called love?” In his culture, marriage was arranged by adults who knew the two young people well. He believed that his parents were much more likely to find a good spouse from him than he would for himself. Companionship, compatibility, and commitment were the basic ingredients for a love that would come after years of living together. He was a doctoral student at MIT and his parents sent him a woman to wed in his final year. They were married in the Washington Cathedral with a lively celebration afterwards in the Ghanian Embassy.

Arranged marriages were the norm for generations.

In the movie, Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye sings to his wife after giving permission to his daughter to marry the man she loves.

“Do you love me?” he asks Golde?

His wife answers,
“ Do I love you?
For twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned your house
Given you children, milked your cow
After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?
Raising his children, how can he ask such a question?”

She then turns to the audience,

“For twenty-five years I’ve lived with him
Fought with him, starved with him
Twenty-five years my bed is his
If that’s not love, what is?”

“ I suppose I do,” says Goldie.
and Tevye replies, “ And I suppose I love you too.”

The last verse they sing together is most telling,

“ It doesn’t change a thing
But even so
After twenty-five years
It’s nice to know.”

Who do you love and how do you know you love? When did you first feel loved? When did you first give your love without condition? And lastly, how often do (or did) you tell the person of your love?

OK. . . a bit of an aside because I can’t help myself. Psychology Today gives a few answers to the first question (DiDonato, 2014). They mention seven research-based signs of love and attachment.

You’re addicted to this person.
You really want your friends or family to like this person.
You celebrate this person’s triumphs ( even when you yourself fail).
You definitely like this person, and this person likes you.
You really miss this person when you’re apart.
Your sense of self has grown through knowing this person.
You get jealous-but not suspicious.

The article goes on to say that falling in love is a basis for a healthy relationship but keeping it going is based primarily on satisfactions and feeling good in the presence of the other person. Love needs to be buttressed by commitment.

I know that I love my partner, children, grandchildren and siblings and a great many friends. I feel stirrings in my core when I think of them. When we are together I feel warm, happy and content. The little annoying things they do are also what makes make them special and unique. As I age, I even started appreciating their mistakes . . . they seem funny, youthful, and naive. Their mishaps are what makes them human and able to grow and learn.

When family or close friends are ill, I grieve and will do anything in my power to help them over their hurdle. They are first in my mind and time, and always have been . . . before job, hobbies, and my to-do list. When it comes to those I love, I am a tigress protecting her lair.

My difficulty comes when I am told to love everyone else . . . community, country, and by extension, the world. Religious leaders ask us to love beggars, thieves, prostitutes, murderers and malicious gossips. Perhaps the Dalai Llama can do this but I fail in this regard. Should I try to get over this hurdle? I am not sure.

The several times I came close to loving a large group of acquaintances is when I was responsible for their well being. When president of OMSI and Impression 5 I wanted to create organizations that were not only efficient but places where people enjoyed coming to work. The best way to do that, I thought, was to insure that staff were committed to a cause greater than themselves and also cared for each other. In general we became such an organization by reaching out to staff experiencing unexpected trauma, by providing shoulders to cry on, and by sharing camaraderie in good times.

I did not realize how successful we were until I did a terrible thing and lost the trust of those I had ostensibly embraced. After OMSI opened its new riverfront facility many young educators, ticket takers, and guides were hired to meet increased demand. Several of these employees roomed together and shared rides to and from work. Over the inauguratory year I gave many speeches about how we were a loving, caring family working for the betterment of the community. Staff were energized and worked exceedingly hard as they took my words to heart.

Unfortunately, most new museums see declining visitor attendance after the public’s initial curiosity subsides. Ours was no exception, so, in order to balance the budget we had to lay people off. When were forced to downsize, the decision played havoc to the lives and dreams of these trusting, innocent young adults. Their co-housing arrangements were disrupted and belief in our loving community came to an abrupt end as was demonstrated with tears turned to anger which was expressed by turning over furniture and a bowl containing 1000 computer chips the lobby near my office. 

I felt miserable, knowing there was not much I could do. But it made me understand that love involves responsibility, commitment, and telling the truth. In this case, I knew that we most likely would need to downsize, but since I did not know when that would happen, I neglected to tell new employees that it was a possibility.

The experience made me realize the power of honesty, being committed, giving of yourself, and being open to receive from others. It is overwhelmingly disruptive to the well-being of the person you profess to love, when these sentiments are suddenly withdrawn, for whatever the reason. In many ways it is cruel. If there has been honestly all along, when change is necessary it should not be a surprise.

Loving communities flourish by trusting that help will be there when needed and that are joyful moments will be shared and celebrated together.  The love offered to one another is not conditional, not based on everything going right, nor is it withdrawn willy-nilly. It is a gift that when given and received freely, fosters a deep sense of well-being.  

I can love, I do love, I send you my love.

Reference:

DiDonato,T. (2014) How Do You Know If You’re in Love? Psychology Today. retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201406/how-do-you-know-if-youre-in-love.

Art is always for sale. Contact me at marilynne@eichingerfineart.com.

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