Death Wish


Feeding-Crow
Acrylic on Canvas/ 40” by 30”/ gold frame/ $ 599

Death Wish

For a short time I worked as a community mental health worker and encountered people from all socio-economic strata. As a protected girI had not been exposed to the trauma experienced by so many children during their formative years. Their scars were brutal and healing required insight, self-acceptance, and a willingness to enter a portal to new ways of thinking.

Unfortunately, though exposed to other options, not everyone was capable of traveling through the tunnel to reach them. I witnessed cases where the tension created during the transformation process was so great that it manifested itself as a death wish.

For example, one 21 year old football athlete came to me during his senior college year after he injured his knee. He had expected to become professional upon graduation but his injury forced him to change course. His presenting clinical symptoms were dramatic for not only was he depressed, but he thought his body was eating away at itself. I hospitalized and medicated him for a while, which enabled his symptoms to subside and allowed him to become open to counseling. Over the course of many months he improved, seemingly accepting his fate, and ready to complete his final college year. His parents and I were very pleased with the willingness he showed to reform his career options. Two days after his return to school I received a call saying that he had taken a gun to a distant park and killed himself. He had become strong enough to end his life.

At the time, I was a young counselor and was devastated by my patient’s death. I brutally had learned how vulnerable people are during the process of healing and that caution must be taken before claiming that someone is “out of the woods.” This is especially true of youth who survive trauma for to do so, their flight and fight responses become so well developed that it is difficult to slow down for rational analysis to take place.

When terror strikes, whether due to natural conditions conditions producing floods, fires, or drought, human induced circumstances around war or gangs, or abuse within the family, the body responds with increased adrenaline in preparation for immediate response. If the situation continues for an extended period of time, some people begin to crave the feeling of being on the edge and so add even more risk to their days. The movie, American Sniper, is an example of how a trained soldier can develop a craving for adventure (war) which he eventually could not manage. These risk cravers (adrenaline junkies) are labeled as having PTSD and disproportionally land in hospitals or jail. They crave adventures that put them on the edge where they dare fate over and over again. When they survive, they consider themselves to be skilled and intrinsically lucky, and do not believe they could ever fail. “After all,” they rationalize, “I overcame trauma, therefore I am invincible and know I can survive future tests of fire. And so, their risky behaviors become a way of life which continues, while parents and loved ones worry and eventually suffer the consequences of their behavior.

I recently read a book written by an Afghan refugee whose mother sent him out of a Taliban war zone. At the age of twelve he embarked on a hazardous journey to safety that was almost as bad as living with constant shelling. Gulwali Passerlay’s story is brilliantly told in his book “The Lightless Sky.” A great deal of money was paid to ruthless smugglers traveling a dangerous route to Europe. During the way he was tortured, put in jail, starved, frozen, and nearly drowned. Occasionally he was shown courageous acts of kindness by good people who went out of their way to help him. Each time Gunwale overcame a difficult condition he was forced to rise to the occasion or perish. When finally given a secure place to stay, adequate food and tender care his mind collapsed inward and entered a severe depression, trying suicide on several occasions. Though he had become physically healthy and was not running on pumped up adrenaline, when his brain had a chance to focus, he thought only of the losses and trauma to his young life. In other words, while living with risk, he did not have time to think, but when settled his fears and trials had time to surface giving rise to a wish to end his life.

Today I am sitting in a rehabilitation center in Omaha, Nebraska meeting patients and parents who are encouraging their children to reinvent themselves. Forty percent of the young men in the facility are here because of motor cycle, car, and sporting accidents. Another third have accidents related to working in dangerous situations. “A tree fell on my son while climbing as an arborist,” said one mother. “A crane landed on my husband while moving paper in a factory,” said another woman. “The last 20 percent had mishaps of fate well behind their control. Some of the risk taking youth come from disturbed backgrounds, but not all. Others simply craved the excitement promoted in action movies and on internet.

Though seriously maimed, many patients remain attuned to their high risk demons rather than listening to more cautious advisors. One problem is that if they slow down and take time to consider what happened and how their lives have changed, they run the risk of depression. Though in most cases, sadness is reasonable and can be a motivating factor for change, in some instances a death wish is not far behind. Without maintaining an adrenaline rush that comes from risk taking they perceive the game as over, and have no desire to live.

It is important to acknowledge that after a dreadful accident, once strength is regained, the person may still crave the same dangerous behavior that caused the incident. As care givers and friends must remember that change is a struggle that does not happen over night. Highs and lows are part of the mending process. We expect those who suffer to struggle on until past demons are overcome and a more mature outlook is achieved, yet as onlookers, we too are called upon for patience and adaptability to changes in your loved one as he or she heals.

Leave a Reply