The Three Sirens

Which one will become prey in a game of one-upmanship?

Acrylic on canvas/ 36” by 12’ / $ 350

Power Play

Women have finally found the courage to share their stories of the powerful men who made unwanted sexual advances towards them.Their predators were masterful players of the one-upmanship game. They knew how to induce fear in their victims by feeding ego that supported their privileged status as employer and reenforced the belief that they were the superior player.

Before the civil war, plantation owners believed in their right to physically and sexually abuse slaves. As property, their prey had little recourse against rape or beatings by cruel masters. Society supported the rights of property owners over the enslaved. Though much has improved since those days, a great deal has stayed the same with ugliness pushed underground. Out of site and out of sound, sexual assaults until recently have been hushed up, though perhaps times are finally changing. Politicians, Hollywood moguls, and industry bosses have always been abel to engage in hurtful acts through bribery, trickery and outright force.

I too was victimized. My first encounter was mild, but demonstrates how unfeeling some young men can be when showing off to their friends. At the age of 19, while walking through Harvard Yard, an approaching student stuck out his arm to brush my breasts. I was shocked as he and his friends had a good laugh at my expense. Fifty years later the memory of that small incident remains burned in my brain. What kind of upbringing did the young man have to believe he had the right to abuse me?

In my thirties, I was subjected to unwanted advances by the chairman of the board under which I served. His power moves were scary for I was naive, neither knowing how to handle his unwanted advances nor willing to confide in someone in since he occupied the organization’s top position. I reasoned that if I went to the police the incident would be exploited in the media. Since the man was a well respected community leader, I wondered if I would be believed over his denials? Would my reputation be tarnished? Would I lose my job? In the early 1970’s women rarely won such cases by suing in court.

Fearing that my young children and spouse would be pulled into my nightmare, I elected to remain silent. By not sharing, my silence created a wedge between me and my husband.

However, once aware of sexual power games, I became determined never to be victimized again. When invited to install an OMSI exhibit in the senate office building in D.C. I was asked to give a private tour to a senator who had a predatory reputation. Forewarned, I was on guard. Sure enough, the man made overtures, but I was able to gracefully and competently end the encounter without making an enemy.

News about the predatory actions of Hollywood directors, politicians and corporate leaders is not surprising. For years their have been tales of exploits shared through backroom gossip networks. I applaud the willingness of the nearly fifty actresses who came forward to expose Harvey Weinstein. However, there is safety in numbers and most are aging ladies with little to lose. What would have happened if they stood alone and confronted him in their younger years? Talented women who work their way up the corporate ladder are at particular risk.

What will insure that job advancement stays in the boardroom rather than involve an unwilling visit to a bedroom. According to Angela Skirtu, “one part of our sex life is power roles.” Most people assume a dominant or submissive role, though some are comfortable back and forth. In a consensual relationship, power dynamics are discussed and agreed upon with the result of deepening the relationship. Without a willingness to communicate, relationships can quickly become power plays that end poorly.

Unfortunately, there are those who disregard consensual practices when outside their homes. They believe they have a license to proceed aggressively with unwilling participants. Powerless to flee, resentment, anger and depression take set in. An abused woman (or gay youth) may fear going to work.

Most employee manuals have a no-tolerance clause for sexual harassment. These rules are difficult to enforce for those at the top of the organization for there is no place further up the ladder to go to seek justice. The consequences of complaint can ruin hard built careers and undermine families. We have only to look at Anita Hill’s exposure of Clarence Thomas to understand how difficult stepping forward can be. Aggressors often have many powerful friends to form a protective ring around them.

In my case, if the situation happened today, I might still remain quiet and not report the event to authorities. However, I like to think it would never be an issue, for I am better armed with an arsenal for nipping unwanted advances in the bud. It behoves everyone to understand their own sexuality and how it affects those they associate with. There are times when flirtation is harmless and can be encouraged. But there are also situations when that is not the case and clear expectations have to be communicated.

How often have your heard, ”women don’t really mean it when they say no?” It is a stereotype about them that reinforces the idea that women are not straightforward. The phrase becomes a convenient excuse to ignore what is being said. Women, as are men, are complicated. There are times when body language is as important as words. Though we want our children to be social and caring, it becomes a problem if they are so sensitive that they fear hurting a predator’s feelings.

A young woman asked me for advice when an older, competitive colleague threatened her career by demanding sex. As a happily married mother, her family meant more to her than advancement through appeasing this individual. The process of vocalizing her concern gave her courage that enabled her to handle he situation in a safe, public arena. She told the man how flattered she was by his interest but that she was happily married and that an affair was not possible. By being open and direct, she was able to set limits. It may not seem fair to some that flattery was her way out, but it was a prudent solution for it enabled her to maintain a useful working relationship.

Moms and Dads, please don’t avoid discussing this difficult subject with your daughters and sons. At the start of their careers they need to know how to respond to unwanted advances without becoming paranoid. Discussions might focus on appropriate work attire and how to deal with inebriated co-workers. It is important let them know that most men and women are considerate and reasonable, so they will not go overboard in fear. Still, it is good to be realistic as well as cautious for there will always be power hungry predators. Women need to be trained at an early age that it is OK to say no. And men need to learn early that a lack of no does not mean yes. Consent needs to be verbalized and valued.

And men, don’t be fooled. The situation can be reversed, for there are women at the top ready to play the same type of one-upmanship game.

References:

Skurtu, Angela (2016) Power Dynamics in Sexual Relationships. Huffpost. retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/angela-skurtu/power-dynamics-in-sexual-_b_9843280.html

Mitra, M. (2017) what Women Don’t Mean When They Say “No”. retrieved from http://www.filtercopy.com/what-women-don-t-mean-when-they-say-no-2473499543.html

Aaron, M.( 2017) The Role of Power in Relationships, Dr. Michael Aaron – licensed Psychotherapist, Sexologist and Sex therapist. retrieved from Web http://www.drmichaelaaronnyc.com/the-role-of-power-in-relationships/

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