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Acrylic on Canvas/ 40” x 30″ / $599.00 USD

A tear rolls down her cheek as she wonders what the future has in store for her.

Five years to grieve?

Grief. It happens to us all at one time or another so we should not be surprised. People die, friends move, divorce occurs and accidents change lives. How we deal with grief is the challenge, for loss can be enormous and almost unbearable.

When my mother died in an automobile accident, I cried uncontrollably for days. Her death was so sudden and it took years before moments of intense sadness stretched into weeks and eventually months. Forty years later, I still miss her. Divorce affected me similarly, for it was also a death. I plunged into darkness and it was a good five years before I felt warmth in the light. In both cases, however, I continued living fully with the expectation that happiness would return one day to fill the empty pit in my gut.

When mass shootings occur, I grieve with the families for nothing can prepare a parent for the loss of a child. They must feel as though a piece of them has been taken away.

When a friend lost one of her twin babies shortly after his birth, she sank into a depression even though she hardly knew the child and still had one lefte to care for. Her psychologist aid that it was not unusual for grief to last five or more years and advised that she continue her activities until they once more came naturally.

Death of a close friend can be as devastating as losing a sibling. Feelings of abandonment, loneliness, fear and insecurity coalesce with sadness and grief. If the friend has shared life changing events with you, their loss can be so severe that it affects daily living. A roller coaster of emotions can give way to numbness and lack of energy. When a sibling dies, those remaining have to reorder their relationship with those still alive. Feeling a loss of innocence is common as is guilt for having survived.

When a grandparent dies, it may be the first time a chid encounters the death of someone significant. Intense surprise or shock may induce sadness, anger, rage, and a insecurity. Though the intensity of losing a grandparent or sibling may be great, oft times sympathy and caring offered by friends and family is inadequate for the grieving child’s need.

Sad emotions do not go away easily. Unfortunately, many supportive people distance themselves after being around a depressed person for a period of time. In many cultures, laws and customs push grieving people into new roles before they are ready. Religions and cultural groups, attempting to regulate the process are more likely to do so with widows than widowers.

According to my father, Jewish men are supposed to remarry at the end of a year of mourning. His friends began suggesting he do so even before my mother’s funeral was held. According to Jewish law, “The duty of marriage is discharged after the birth of a son and a daughter (Yeb. 61a). Still no man may live without a wife even after he has many children (ib.). Women are exempted from the duty of marriage, although, to avoid suspicion, they are advised not to remain single (ib. 65b; “Yad,” l.c. 2, 16; ib. Issure Biah, xxi. 26; Eben ha-‘Ezer, 1, 13; see Woman)”.

In the old days, when a man died without leaving children, his brother had to marry the widow. The custom was a way of insuring economic security. It is still the law in Israel today, though not always practiced. A woman and brother-in-law who choose not to marry are supposed to participate in a ceremony where the woman kneels, removes a special handmade shoe from the man’s foot, spit on the ground next to him and recite a verse that frees them from their obligation to marry.

Death does not always end the marriage. In India, for example, widowhood can mean a “social death.” Without a husband to support their children, widows lose their status and are consigned to the margins of society. In recent times, most countries have enacted laws to protect women but customs in religious groups may take precedence. Some Hindu women shave their heads, no longer wear a red dot theirr foreheads, and will not display jewelry. In the old days she was expected to walk barefoot. Thank goodness the custom to throw herself on her husband’s funeral pyre is outlawed.

In some third world countries such as Nigeria, a woman is expected to have sex with her brother-in-law or another male-designate after her husband’s death. This ritual cleaning by sex is supposed to ward off evil spirits and keep her children from suffering. Though most women find the practice repugnant, refusal can subject them to violence. They may be forced to drink water that the corpse has been washed in, confined indoors for up to a year, prohibited from washing their bodies for months, and be forced to sit naked on a mat, ritually crying and screaming at specific times, day and night.

Orthodox Christian women living in parts Russia, Czechoslovakia ,Greece, Italy and Spain customarily used to wear black for the remainder of their lives after losing a husband. Though this practice has mostly died out, there are Immigrants to the US who still don black as a show of devotion.

Christians often ask religious leaders if they stay married in heaven after death. The idea provides solace to those who have been in long time committed relationships. What I read says that a woman is free to marry if her husband dies. According to Jesus, in Luke 20:34-36, there are no marriages in heaven. Marriage is a legal contract and does not make it to heaven, for according to the bible, “marriages here are a foreshadowing of the event that is to come when we are joined together with Christ our God forever.”

Muslim customs can vary by community. According to Shykh Saalih al-Munajjid, after death the widow has to practice Iddah, and wait four months and ten days before remarrying. Husbands are instructed to bequeath a year’s worth of maintenance and residence in case of death. During the time of mourning a widow may not wear decorative clothes, apply kohl to her eyes, use perfume or sleep outside her house unless afraid for her own safety. She is still required to take care of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, children, etc. If a family member other than her husband dies then mourning lasts no more than three days.

Psychiatrists in the United States tell us that grieving is a process that is uniquely different for every individual. Grief tends to come in waves of emotions that move between anger, disbelief, sadness, and even happiness. Kubla-Ross, in her pioneer study of death, spoke of five stages to grief, not necessarily in a specific order. She mentions denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Sometimes grief leads to an untimely death of the remaining partner. Known as the widowhood effect, mortality rates are known to rise during the first three months of a spouse’s death. As one spouse’s health declines the surviving person may stop taking care of his or her own health and becomes ill as well. Men, over 50 are at greater risk than women, though income and wealth do make a difference. Without the support of family and friends, lifestyle habits tend to worsen. Men especially, eat poorly, forget to take medications, stop exercising and do not sleep well. They are less proactive than women in seeking solace.

I wrote this article because a number of my friends have recently lost loved ones and I want them to know that I am here to support them for as long as they need me. One thing I am trying to absorb as I age is patience, but I also know that those who dwell too long on their miseries find it hard to over come them. Making motions towards normalcy can be a difficult first step towards healing. Engaging in a cause, like gun control or raising money for cancer can also help with the healing process. It is a way of turning tragedy into a meaningful endeavor that will positively affect the next generation.

References

Schecter, S. & Greenstone,J. (1906) Marriage Laws. Jewish Encyclopedia. retrieved from http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/articles/10435-marriage-laws

Death and Dying (2018) Widows in Third World Nations. retrieved from website http://www.deathreference.com/Vi-Z/Widows-in-Third-World-Nations.html

A Voice in the Wilderness (2011) Marriage after Death: Can we be married forever. retrieved from https://heraldinthewilderness.wordpress.com/2011/05/03/marriage-after-death-can-we-be-married-forever/

Saalih al-Munajjid, M. (2018) Rulings on the mourning of a woman whose husband has died. Islam Question and Answer. Retrieved from https://islamqa.info/en/2628

Condolence (218) What are the Stages of Grief? Learning Center. Grief and Coping. retrieved from http://www.econdolence.com

Jegtvig,S (2013) Widowhood effect strongest during first three months. REUTERS. retrieved from https://www.reuters.com/article/us-widowhood-effect/widowhood-effect-strongest-during-first-three-months-idUSBRE9AD0VU20131114

Do comment below. Your thoughts are intersting and always welcome.

Art is always for sale. Please contact me at Marilynne@eichingerfineart.com.