In Ecuador, babies are carried in shawls on mother’s backs. In Rotterdam, buildings swerve and jut looking like Escher configurations that can’t possibly stand. In Scotland villages are small and streets walkable. In New Orleans balconies hold diners above parading revelers. In Eastern Oregon, the land is vast. In Pueblos, Natives walk on roofs to visit neighbors.
Strange Customs of “The Others”
An acquaintance shared his experience of being the first white person to own a home in a black Portland neighborhood. He was welcomed into a friendly community of people who relaxed on their front porches and chatted amicably with those wandering by. He knew and counted as friends most everyone living on his block. Twenty years later, he speaks longingly of that time. When gentrification came and Black-Americans were pushed out of the neighborhood, the new owners kept to themselves. Today he knows no-one on his block. It is a different community with a different culture—one he does not like as well.
The first time I was fully aware of the subtleties of cultural differences was in Lansing, Michigan. To support the Urban League, my husband and I attended a fundraising dinner, arriving on time to an empty hall. When the meal was served, one token man of color joined our table set for 8. I felt sorry for the director because attendance was so disappointing.
But—not so quickly—I misjudged. By eleven that evening, the place was packed with elegantly dressed men and women enjoying themselves on a crowded dance floor. Party goers arrived after dinner and stayed into the wee hours of the morning.
A few weeks later I sat next to a professor of back studies at George Washington University while flying to D.C. When I mentioned the Urban League event he laughed and told me that the custom to arrive late originated in Africa where people walked miles, sometimes days, to attend a wedding or funeral. It was impossible to predict what time guests would arrive.
Once aware of this custom, I was not surprised to receive an invitation to Magic Johnson’s birthday party with instructions saying, “Doors open at 6 and close at 7. No one will be admitted after the hour.” The party planners did not want an Urban League type response accommodating late arrivals.
There are many cultural differences that are learned during childhood when we ingest social mores, biases and misconceptions from our community (tribe). Composed of family and friends, our tribes are influenced by location, religion, race, and sexual orientation. We became locked into these early indoctrinations.
To overcome these biases it is helpful to think like anthropologists who meet newcomers as a subjects of interest. They explore customs and values, and learn how people function in their particular culture.
So many of us are uncomfortable and afraid to make a blunder that we prefer to judge “others” as inferior rather than have to accept their differences. By taking this path, however, we make mistakes and at times develop enemies.
Ignorant missionaries who burned Native American totem poles in the 19th century is a case in point. These evangelists thought the poles were religious objects replete with animalistic gods. They didn’t understand that they were either lineage poles serving as a family crests or story telling poles featuring animals from tales similar to Aesop’s fables. Their ignorance turned into a rampage that destroyed well crafted art and denied a peace loving people their cultural heritage.
Who is the potentate to decide who and what is superior?
In my twenties, I ran a summer Montessori program in a low income neighborhood. During a teacher conference one mother refused to face me. I was uncomfortable for I was trained to always look a person in the eyes while communicating. When the woman responded to my questions, she glanced sideways, answering in monosyllables. I interpreted her actions as lack interest in her child. It was years before I understood that she was trained to never look a white person in the face. She was being respectful and I was being—well not sure, but at the time I extrapolated to the larger race and harbored negative feelings about poor black women not caring about their children.
Childhood indoctrinations create subtle social tensions. It was not until I lived in Great Britain that I felt like an American. Why? Because in the United States I was identified by others as being Jewish first. This conviction was reinforced often, such as when my husband and I stepped into a Massachusetts real estate office and asked an agent to help us find an apartment near Boston College. The woman replied, “you don’t want to live in this neighborhood. You’ll be much happier if you move to Brookline, where there are more of your kind of people.” I naively thought she didn’t hear me correctly for I knew where I wanted to live. But my husband got her message immediately, and pulled me out the door.
It hurts to be regarded as a commodity. It is not fun to be put in a box and have differences labeled as bad. The Bill of Rights was written to fight against discrimination, yet cultural differences continue to be misunderstood and prejudicial judgments made. White and black, gay and straight, Christian Jew, and Muslim are engaged in the blame game. It takes time and openness to know thy neighbor and treat him or her as you would like to be treated.
One last thought. I watched Bill Maher’s TV program when Republican, Anthony Scaramucci was his guest. Anthony tried to explain the emotions and anger held by white men who feel threatened because their way of life, jobs, and social positions are being eroded. His presentation was cut short because Bill and other panel members rudely interrupted him. “Look what Republicans have done to us? Trump’s base does not count.” was their message which immediately negated concerns held by a good portion of the country.
It is scary to lose your job. It is frightening to have the values you were raised with challenged. It is uncomfortable to hear most people speaking a foreign language in your local grocery store. And, it is difficult to adapt without understanding and trust. If we are to transition to a more equitable society, then the fears and concerns of every sub-culture, every tribal member within our borders need to be taken into account.
Sharing spaceship earth, means recognizing our own prejudices and engaging the “others” in conversation. New technologies push us to shift gears faster than we had to generations ago. It doesn’t do any good to just dig in and say the old ways were better. I’ve lived long enough to see that fanatics who won’t change can lead us to war. Why not work instead towards a new world order with solutions that are greater than any one of the parts?
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